Fuck fitting in!

A short reflection...

The title of this post isn't meant to be aggressive but rather a statement that I want to make and want, most of all, to remember while living abroad.

I've recently become aware of some strange things in my behaviour. I don't speak English in public. On the streets, I prefer not to speak much at all if I can avoid it, this includes when I am with someone. I like to blend in with the crowd. I don't like to be noticed for looking different, acting different or seeming confused in public. I speak Finnish when I can and try to keep the word count of my conversations as short as possible to keep the highest possible chance that I could be confused for a native speaker, or at best, a fluent speaker. And I don't make eye contact with people on the street.

These actions may be a result of living in a country that is not my own, but they may also be signs that I am becoming quite Finnish in the way which I present myself. Some days, this makes me smile and everything is quite dandy...

... but then a problem arises. I do stand out. I sometimes stare at people without noticing. I don't speak fluent or native Finnish and let's face it... sometimes I look really confused in public (much like a tourist would.) And when these times come about, it's really hard to be yourself when you've been practicing and pretending you're someone else. It's these times that you need to keep reminding yourself that you should be proud of who you are, you can speak English loudly on the tram platform or on the bus and you can fuck fitting in all together! Because you are you. And that's worth being too.